Dear Olivia
by IWillEditYourBooks
Summary: Alex and Olivia have loved each other for a long time, so when Alex becomes terminally ill she writes a letter to Olivia telling her about her feelings. This is meant for Olivia to read after Alex has died.
1. Dear Olivia

**Title:** Dear Olivia

**Pairing:** Alex/Olivia (you guys! I don't know what's wrong with me! I don't even like Alex very much…& here I am writing my second Alex/Olivia fanfic!)

**Summary**: Alex and Olivia have loved each other for a long time, when Alex becomes terminally ill; she writes a letter to Olivia telling her about her feelings. This is meant for Olivia to read after Alex has died.

**Notes:** definitely AU. Alex never went into Witness protection. Alex and Olivia have been in a relationship for a long time, they are married and have a son. I don't know. It just came to me. Might be followed with a "Dear Alex" fic, I haven't decided yet. PLEASE REVIEW.

**Disclaimer**: I do not own SVU.

My dearest Olivia,

I want you to know how much I love you and how much you mean to me. Every day that I was alive, I thanked the Heavens for bringing you to me. You were my rock, my soul mate. I know that now. I know that I could not have gone on with life had I not found you. You are the best thing that has ever happened to me. From the first time I saw you, I knew that I was in love with you, even if it took me awhile to admit it to myself. I will never forget the first time we talked and had lunch. I could hardly breathe you were so beautiful that day. Did you notice? I tried to keep my cool. I didn't know that I was gay. I never even thought about it before you came along. But as soon as I saw your smile and heard your laugh, I knew that I had to be with you. And then, when you told me that you were, in fact, gay I almost cried I was so happy. I didn't know the first thing about being a lesbian. I always thought that I was straight, and I was just waiting for the right man to come along. I am so glad that I never settled for any man, because I truly found the person I was meant to spend the rest of my life with. I realized this on our second date. I remember thinking that you were so sweet that day. You gave me one of the best days of my life, and I will never forget that night when you took me up to your apartment and we sat on the couch, watched _Casablanca_ and fell asleep. It was perfect. The best decision that we ever made was 3 Christmas's ago—the decision to commit fully to each other. Although we could not legally be married, our Wedding was the greatest day of my life. I always wanted to wear a beautiful ball gown and feel like a princess, but what I never expected was that there would be two princesses. I still have no idea how we pulled off such a beautiful wedding, and if I thought you were beautiful on our first "date", I hadn't seen anything until I saw you in your dress. I'm crying now just thinking about how wonderful you looked. I remember thinking how lucky I was to be getting committed to the most beautiful woman in the whole world. You would be mine, and mine alone. No one was ever going to take you from me. I kept thinking that it was a dream. I thought that a drop-dead gorgeous woman like you would never love someone like me. But I was wrong. That day and all of the days that followed were perfect as long as you were around. I never felt sad around you, not once in the six years we have been together. Two years after on Christmas Day, our second anniversary, you got me the best present anyone could ever get their spouse. With a little help from our friends, you found a way to have a child of our own and that night, our beautiful son was conceived. I know many have said that he is not actually "ours", that he is in no way biologically connected to you, but sweetie, you have to know that he is 100 percent "ours". I know you would tell me that it's impossible, but sometimes I swear when he smiles he looks just like you, with his stunning dark features. If I didn't know any better, I would think that the sperm used to create him came from you. It was the second greatest decision of my life—to have Ben—and I want to thank you again for making it possible. That night began a very long 9 months full of doctor's visits and adoption papers, but when Ben arrived (exactly) 9 months later on September 25, it was all worth it. The first night that we took him home and watched him sleep in his bassinette I had never been happier in my whole life.

I write this letter to you on our son's first birthday. I have been sick for 6 months now, and I'm not sure how much time I have left. I just want you to know that you and Ben are the only reasons for me to live. You two are the only reasons I get up every morning with a smile on my face. I know that with you by my side I can get through anything. You are my protector, and even though during the day I have to be someone who is all tough and brave, at night I need you to make me feel safe. I'm so glad I have you, sweetie. I write this knowing full well that my time with you it limited. Whether I live another 5 weeks or another fifty years, the time I spend with you will never be enough. It is impossible to spend too much time with you. I swear sometimes when you leave the room to get a drink of water or something, and I look at your cute little ass, I miss you. For those thirty seconds that you aren't sitting next to me on the couch, I feel sad and lonely. I know that lately I rely on you for everything, and for that I'm sorry. I am, after all, the "young one", aren't I? This next part I will try to tell you in person before I go, but in case I don't, I want you to read it. Some of this may be hard for you to hear, but I do not want you to put this letter down until you read it completely. Is that understood, Olivia? I want you to find someone else. Look, Liv…Ben needs two parents. I'm not saying that I want you to hit on someone at my funeral, wait until you're ready. But I want you to find another person (woman, man, chimp…whatever). Just please, Liv. You don't have to worry about what I would think. If she's the one, you'll know. I'll be looking out for you. Preferably, she should be no where near as gorgeous as I am and not even close to as good in bed. That's a given. But in all seriousness, I need to know that you and Ben will have someone to love when I'm gone. Of course, I want you to tell Ben all the good things about me (NONE of the bad things, missy), and tell him everyday that I love him very much and always will. I'm writing a bedtime note to him. Read it to him every night, okay? And when he gets older, make sure he reads it to himself. Get it framed or something, okay? I'm also writing a not that I want you to read when Ben gets married. I'm keeping it open…either "boy" or "girl" could fit in there…just in case.

Keep my gravestone nice, okay? You know I love big old garden roses, right? That's the best flower to put there I think. Well, Olivia, this is goodbye. I'll always be watching & waiting for you. But please, don't rush. You need all the time you can get out of life. Use it well.

Here's looking at you, kid.

Love (still),

Alexandra


	2. Dear Alex

**Summary:** Olivia writes a letter back to Alex two years later. The end in italics isn't part of the letter...it'll make sense (i hope) once you read it.

**Disclaimer:** still don't own it.

Dear Alex,

Well, here I am. It's September 25…two years after you wrote your letter to me. I know you won't get to read this, but I have so many things that I need to say to you, and putting them down on paper seems to cement it. First off, I miss you like you can't imagine. For awhile we had ADAs from other bureaus taking our cases…that didn't work out too well. Then, Trevor tried to take your job. That son of a bitch lasted about 30 seconds. Now, well, now we have Casey. She's… uh, nice I guess. She's not you, that's for sure.

Ben turned three today—he's getting so big. He's already talking like crazy! I guess he gets that from you. God, Alex, it's so hard being a mom without you. I can't even bring myself to sleep anymore. Not in our bed…it's too hard. I haven't even washed the sheets. Your side still smells like you. Sometimes, when Ben's asleep, I sneak into our bedroom and just lay on your side of the bed. It's the only time I feel close to you…everything is the same way you left it. Your brush is on your nightstand…I can still see the blonde hairs stuck in it. Your vanilla perfume is uncapped, I guess you forgot to close it the last time you used it. I haven't even had the heart to reset your alarm clock…you know, the one that sounds like a bird is practically chirping in your ear? It's really annoying as all hell, but it's just one more thing that's so…I don't know…you. Your clothes are in the closet; your favorite suit is hanging on the front, with the shoes and pantyhose you were going to wear on the chair beside it. I try not to look at it. It makes me too sad.

On other nights, when I can't even bring myself to go into the bedroom, I sit at the foot of Ben's toddler bed and watch him sleep. He's an angel, babe. He looks so beautiful when he sleeps…just like you did. I remember waking up just to watch you sleep. You looked so innocent…and Ben is the same exact way, you'll be happy to know.

I still can't believe you're gone. Even after almost two years I just can't believe it. I guess it was fitting that you died on Christmas night. Christmas was our everything. The beginning of our life together and the beginning of Ben…but, I just wish that it didn't have you be the end of your life. I …I wish I could have done something to help, you know? All I could do was hold you, when we both knew you were dying. I should have called for help. I should have done something besides let you die in my arms.

I'll always love you, Lex. I will. And I don't think that I'll ever be able to love someone else. Don't worry about Ben and me not having anyone to love. We have each other. And we still have you.

We had Ben's special birthday dinner in the squad room today. I know you would have protested, but I really had to work, plus, Ben's favorite people in the whole world were there. You should see him when Elliot lets him hold his badge. He gets so excited! All of the guys are taking extra care to make sure that Ben has a father figure in his life. I think it's working. But, anyway, tonight I asked Ben if he wanted to say anything special when we said prayers. It's our routine. We go through the list of everyone he can think of; who he wants to pray for. I try not to influence him, but I occasionally have to stop him from rattling off all of the characters on Sesame Street. We always pray for "mommy Alex", because I told him you were in Heaven and we had to pray that you would be happy there and wait for us. But tonight after prayers, I tucked him in, said goodnight, sat with him until I could hear his breathing become steady, and then I waited outside the door for a few minutes to make sure he was asleep, and do you know what I heard?-- His tiny voice whispering, "_Goodnight, Mommy Alex._" It was the cutest, most sincere thing I've ever heard anyone say, never mind a three-year-old. And it got me thinking that I should say goodnight to you as well.

Goodnight, Mommy Alex.

Love, Mommy Olivia.

_And so Olivia put her letter in an envelope and out the envelope in her pocket. She forgot about it until a week later when she was taking a walk with Ben through the park. She reached in her pocket and there it was. Ben, at this point pointed to the balloon he was holding and asked, "Can I let go, Mama?"_

_Olivia replied, "Just a sec, sweetie, can Mama see the string please?"_

_And Olivia took the string and tied it around the envelope. "There you go, Ben. Now you can let go."_

_And her son threw the balloon into the air, and it sailed away above the trees. She silently hoped somehow Alex would know. As they walked on further, Olivia could smell the faint scent of Vanilla and in the tree next to her there were birds chirping obnoxiously loud, and she knew that Alex had received her message. _


	3. Dear Ben

**A/N: So I wrote this a really long time ago but forgot to post it. It's the letter that Alex wrote to Ben. It's really short, and quite honestly I don't even remember writing it, but I just found it and I thought I would post!**

Dear Ben,

Hi, sweetie. This is mommy. I know that you didn't get to know me very well, but you need to know how much I love you. I love you **very, very** much, Ben. You and mommy Olivia are the best things that ever happened to me in my whole life.

Mom promised me that she would make sure that you read this every night, so it would be like I was tucking you in to bed, just like I used to when you were a baby. Sometime during your life, people might try to be mean to you because you have two mommies. There isn't anything wrong with that, Ben. If you hear those kids saying mean things about you, remember that you have one Mommy at home who loves you and will always take care of you and another Mommy in Heaven, who loves you and will always protect you.

I don't know what Heaven is like, sweetie, so I can't really tell you where I am or what it's like. But, you'll know that I'm always watching out for you. Be good for Mommy. She'll need a helper, and that's where you come in.

But most of all, Ben, please don't ever forget how much I love you. It will probably be hard for you to understand until you're much older and you have a baby of your very own, but I cannot even begin to tell you how much you mean to me. You're my little superman, and whenever you need my help, don't be afraid to ask for it.

Stay perfect, my little angel. Goodnight. Sleep well.

Love,

Mommy Alex


End file.
